Turning points call us to abide in Him

Today I crossed a bridge that I never expected to encounter. Life paths don't always unfold according to our plan. After 62 years, one would think I would have realized I don't know how to fix everything, neither do I have the capability. Each time this happens I am surprised.

But there is One who is never surprised by bridges and turns in our journeys. I'm beyond certain His hand has been guiding my every step along the way and many days He has had to carry me in His arms. I simply didn't see the dangers along life's journey nor how to get to the destination to which I have been called. But He knows. And I put my trust in Him. He has promised to lead me every day of my life. That is the best lifetime warranty I have ever heard of.

Seasons come and go, bringing darkness and light, hard things to struggle with and glorious days of living in the light of God. Life adjustments can often be hard but I thank Him for each one. I know that the dark days and hard things birth new growth in me. And though there are often many tears among life's disappointments, I know I am not alone and never will be. He has chosen me, called me His beloved and promises to never leave me. I can't think of anything better than that.

I am the vine, you are the branches, he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5 (NASB)

Even those who love Him sometimes get weary

I awaken every morning in search of what I need to fill me; I know His name is Jesus. I study and search His Word, I pray, I sing His praises but I still come home to an empty apartment full to the brim with silence. My heart silently and often not-so-silently weeps; I pray this season will soon pass. I am exhausted by the quiet, the lack of touch and loneliness of my soul. I return from work at the end of the day to a silent evening. I rarely cook - what's the point of a meal if there is no one with which to share it? Conversation evades me at every turn.

It's like a vicious merry-go-round: get on, go to work, get off, go to sleep. I think the ticket taker has either forgotten to stop the horses or he decided to quit his job and told no one to stop the ride.

I really don't understand how so many have triumphed. When I think of the song It is well with my soul, I have no clue how the writer penned that song after he buried his son, the Chicago fire destroyed every real estate investment he had, and his four beloved daughters drowned while they were making their way across the ocean to a time of rest and restoration. How did he get up and go on? And yet, he did.

I long for that response in me - to desire to go on despite the fact that my very core has been upended. His voice of truth tells me I can do nothing in my own power; I must hand my life over to Him daily knowing that His mere voice calms the storms, raises people from the dead, turns water into wine and feeds thousands with a small basket of bread and fish.

I don't know what faith or knowledge or lack of relationship I am missing - but I pray I find it soon.

I have become Judas

Today I gave away the last vestiges of my dad's dignity. He will soon be moving because he needs a higher level of care, but there are so few choices.

When my dad's Alzheimer's Disease was diagnosed it was a gentle annoyance - mainly for him. Grasping at word's, faces and things said five minutes ago. Today we are entering another phase. A phase that lacks control yet in essence cages him for his own safety. My heart is broken to be a conspirant.

He will be moving from a beautiful facility with kind faces to one where everywhere you look is a face without memories, intermittent screams from souls that can't be quenched and the rooms seem to be cells, not bedrooms. The smells are not pleasant and few, if any, residents smile. I'm sure the staff does their best; I can't imagine working there because there is no hope for those trapped by their diminishing brains this side of heaven.

I am heartbroken that I cannot offer better and that I was the one to sign the dotted line. They tell me it is for his good. I will never be convinced.

All is broken until that day my dad enters into God's rest and moves into the mansion that is being built for Him on the other side of heaven.

“There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?” John 14:2 (NLT)