My worth is not determined by what I do

I am finally beginning to settle in. After a career of 41 years with the same employer and numerous job descriptions over the years, another era ushers in. Change - and the unknown - are predictably uncomfortable. New rules, new plans, new bosses, a new office and a new job description replace the known, the comfortable, the easy.

My work has always been my refuge - my port in the storm. When things were tough at home, my daily trip to my office afforded me comfort and a place to be, a place to stand, a place where I knew what to do. When I longed for a baby or my heart was broken countless times, my career provided my escape and gave me worth.

As a Christ follower, I know that my career was never meant to provide me worth, safety or refuge from the storms of life. Nonetheless, my career is what carried me when I felt my life falling apart.

I am learning I cannot escape devastation; rather I must face it - stare it in the face - confront it head on. But I am also learning that when we choose to face our devastations, there is One who will stand with us, who will use these devastations to do a good work in us, despite the circumstances. I am learning that my worth is not determined by what I do, but rather who I am - a child of the living God, loved beyond measure, chosen by Him before time began.

Christ's ultimate sacrifice was made for His chosen people, you and me, beloved and anointed for His good purposes. And when I feel like it the least, this is the time I need to trust Him, for He alone is trustworthy. My job cannot love me, give me worth or rescue me from the storms of life, but He can and He will.

In trusting Him, I find it necessary to also thank Him for all that is stirring within me and around me, for it is molding me to be more like Him. And isn't that the goal of every Christ follower - to be more like Him - to bring glory to His Name?

In the past I have looked for a secret way out of the storms of life, an easy fix - anything that will keep me out of the midst of upheaval and out-of-control emotions. But my God has higher purposes - to transform me amid the storms, amid the devastations - all the while making me, transforming me, to be more like Him.

I certainly do not have much experience at facing devastions with all faith that He is working on my behalf to bring good out of every life experience. Nor do I have much experience thanking Him for everything He is doing in my heart in the midst of turmoil. But I want to learn; I want to be dependent on Him alone. And, as far as I can tell, all I really need is to believe in Him and be willing to allow Him to change me and my heart, according to His plan.

Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge until destruction passes by. I will cry to God Most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me. He will send from heaven and save me. He reproaches him who tramples upon me. God will send forth His lovingkindess and His truth. Psalm 57:1-4 NASB

When hard days linger

I am so aware that this season of my life is a long and hard one. Some days - many days - it seems I am sinking deeper into an abyss than I ever thought possible. My heart is saddened, crushed by life's blows and sometimes, often, I think it will never end.

I tell myself to be more, praise and rejoice, lean into Him, be healed, seek His face, but still my heart is barely beating. The silence that surrounds me is deafening. My breathing is shallow and irregular. I am but a vapor that threatens to be gone when the next light breeze passes.

I know how the book of my life will end - reflecting His joy and glory. But today I would like to skip the rest of the chapters until that last one. Sadly, it is not an option.

Melancholy and grief make horrible friends yet I am dogged by them daily. I am weary and can no longer hold myself upright. I am hoping for a miracle that these days pass soon. It has been a long time since I have seen the sun.

He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity,  But the Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me. 
Psalm 18: 16-19 NASB

Turning points call us to abide in Him

Today I crossed a bridge that I never expected to encounter. Life paths don't always unfold according to our plan. After 62 years, one would think I would have realized I don't know how to fix everything, neither do I have the capability. Each time this happens I am surprised.

But there is One who is never surprised by bridges and turns in our journeys. I'm beyond certain His hand has been guiding my every step along the way and many days He has had to carry me in His arms. I simply didn't see the dangers along life's journey nor how to get to the destination to which I have been called. But He knows. And I put my trust in Him. He has promised to lead me every day of my life. That is the best lifetime warranty I have ever heard of.

Seasons come and go, bringing darkness and light, hard things to struggle with and glorious days of living in the light of God. Life adjustments can often be hard but I thank Him for each one. I know that the dark days and hard things birth new growth in me. And though there are often many tears among life's disappointments, I know I am not alone and never will be. He has chosen me, called me His beloved and promises to never leave me. I can't think of anything better than that.

I am the vine, you are the branches, he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5 (NASB)

Even those who love Him sometimes get weary

I awaken every morning in search of what I need to fill me; I know His name is Jesus. I study and search His Word, I pray, I sing His praises but I still come home to an empty apartment full to the brim with silence. My heart silently and often not-so-silently weeps; I pray this season will soon pass. I am exhausted by the quiet, the lack of touch and loneliness of my soul. I return from work at the end of the day to a silent evening. I rarely cook - what's the point of a meal if there is no one with which to share it? Conversation evades me at every turn.

It's like a vicious merry-go-round: get on, go to work, get off, go to sleep. I think the ticket taker has either forgotten to stop the horses or he decided to quit his job and told no one to stop the ride.

I really don't understand how so many have triumphed. When I think of the song It is well with my soul, I have no clue how the writer penned that song after he buried his son, the Chicago fire destroyed every real estate investment he had, and his four beloved daughters drowned while they were making their way across the ocean to a time of rest and restoration. How did he get up and go on? And yet, he did.

I long for that response in me - to desire to go on despite the fact that my very core has been upended. His voice of truth tells me I can do nothing in my own power; I must hand my life over to Him daily knowing that His mere voice calms the storms, raises people from the dead, turns water into wine and feeds thousands with a small basket of bread and fish.

I don't know what faith or knowledge or lack of relationship I am missing - but I pray I find it soon.

I have become Judas

Today I gave away the last vestiges of my dad's dignity. He will soon be moving because he needs a higher level of care, but there are so few choices.

When my dad's Alzheimer's Disease was diagnosed it was a gentle annoyance - mainly for him. Grasping at word's, faces and things said five minutes ago. Today we are entering another phase. A phase that lacks control yet in essence cages him for his own safety. My heart is broken to be a conspirant.

He will be moving from a beautiful facility with kind faces to one where everywhere you look is a face without memories, intermittent screams from souls that can't be quenched and the rooms seem to be cells, not bedrooms. The smells are not pleasant and few, if any, residents smile. I'm sure the staff does their best; I can't imagine working there because there is no hope for those trapped by their diminishing brains this side of heaven.

I am heartbroken that I cannot offer better and that I was the one to sign the dotted line. They tell me it is for his good. I will never be convinced.

All is broken until that day my dad enters into God's rest and moves into the mansion that is being built for Him on the other side of heaven.

“There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?” John 14:2 (NLT)

Another Friday

Fridays. They used to hold such magic for me.  I texted my brother almost every Friday morning typing, "I love Fridays!" They signaled the end of the work week and I anticipated every weekend - planning free time with family and friends - taking the time to plan and cook for my family. Grilling was sometimes a twice-a-day event in those days. Gifts of love given freely. But those Fridays have long ago passed away. Almost like a death. And now, I go to work on Fridays, melancholic, wondering how I'm going to spend my time over the next couple of days and if things will ever reach a new normal. I can't remember the last time I happily texted my brother on Friday mornings.

And lest this become too depressing - you can rest assured I won't be cleaning to fill my hours; and, boy, does my apartment reflect that. But, I miss gardening, grilling, folding my family's warm and fresh laundry and sitting on my previously beloved porch with a book and a glass of iced tea, watching the neighborhood children play. Ah, carefree summers.

My child, my beloved daughter, is a college sophomore now - working all the precious hours she can fit in over the summer to earn her next year's spending money. Our schedules allow us to pass each other and pass the shared car keys back and forth from time to time - but her friends and work and time in swimming pools and hot tubs fill her days. As they should.

I know this is but a season and seasons change. Thankfully they change. I look forward to again have things to look forward to. I'm certain my days will look differently some day. But for now I fill my days with home groups, Bible study, prayer, church services and journaling to keep my head above water. All things I love but they are not enough. We were created to be relational people and for today I am in lack. But not for always.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

And so it goes...

I never expected to be here; I never thought that it would take so long to dissolve a family. But here I am - in the exact place I was nearly a year ago. No resolution to the sale of our former home, no legal changes to tie up loose ends. And no sign or hope of any resolution to any of this ever. I feel tied up and gagged, my wishes dismissed as always.

Never a big tv watcher, I would never have imagined that it has become the sound in my empty apartment. It doesn't demand anything - meals, laundry, clean sheets - but it doesn't offer anything either, other than noise, an inanimate "unfriendly friend."

This is not how I wish to live the remainder of my life, but in this case I have no choices. Only disappointments and sorrows.

My one wish today is to have my dog back with me but due to the fraying of the old carpeting and my pup's propensity to pull the frays and eat them, this too is not possible. She must live elsewhere.

I hug a rolled-up towel for comfort at night in my too quiet apartment and wait for another day - another hope for hope.

I love, no hate, my iPhone

Cell phones are like a demanding, one-way relationship - they waste your time, offer you nothing in return and make one resentful of time spent with them. Sure, they're great when you're looking for an address, need to get in touch with someone pronto,  or you want to order a pizza. But, for the most part, I'm beginning to see it as such a time waster and despise the fact that it is ALWAYS in my hand. I think it may even be a source of depression.

But still, I diligently charge it nightly, stare at it constantly and even bought a battery case so my charge would never be lost. But I ask myself why. Every time I am sucked into a mindless game - and yes, I am talking Candy Crush and Ruzzle - I am so disappointed in myself. What happened to the Kathy who called and visited with her friends, read books, kept her house presentable, did crafty little projects and cooked dinner on a regular basis. Well, THAT Kathy has long ago fled. And I really do think my unhealthy attachment to this damnable smart phone is the reason.

Just to set the record straight, I take full ownership of my failing. It is not Apple's fault that they have learned to make themselves indispensable. Clearly I have no self-control. Yet, once again, I resolve to bring order and discipline back into my life.  I have deleted every game (AGAIN!) and have vowed to at least try more often to call or visit my friends and family rather than text (I'm already seeing a major fail here).

I'll let you know how that goes - you can just catch my status updates.

Looking forward

My life has changed drastically in the last seven months and yet I must grapple daily with the fact that my name is still Kathy, I am a follower and chosen of the Most High God and I am still the mother of one and daughter of another. Yet, the scenery has changed. Nothing really is a given anymore - my address, my church, my credit rating, my planning what I will cook for dinner for a family of three. Looking from the outside in - little in my life looks the same.

My furniture is in a strange place; my stove burns everything I attempt to cook, my bed is uncomfortable, my dog doesn't have a backyard in which to terrorize the rabbits and birds and there is no front porch on which to sip an iced tea or glass of wine with a book in my hand. I stay late in the office on nights when Annie is working and I now dread Fridays (which used to be one of my favorite days of the week)  - wondering how I will spend the next two days. It is quite evident that I don't spend a bit of that time cleaning up or organizing my life the way I used to. I am living in the very chaos that I rebelled against daily for years.

Life changes are hard - especially when it's change that you have fought and prayed and struggled against for a very long time. Clearly I am not the one in charge of my life.

But, I am really the same person, just in a different set of circumstances. Sadness creeps in daily and at the most ill-timed and unexpected moments. I keep thinking things will get better and then one drive through my old neighborhood to return a library book uncorks a well of tears that lasts for an entire day. There are no do-overs here.

When will the tide turn - or when will I adjust to the new terms of my life? What a good question. But I have no answers. I know only that I commit my every day to the only lover of my soul who is true and faithful. He says there is a plan for me. Until then, I try to know Him better and look forward to happier days.

Restless heart

The best way to describe my life these days is that my insides are continuously squishy. I am so often unsure of myself; I wonder how to keep getting up every morning, never really knowing where the day will take me.

I am a foreigner in a strange land. A citizen of another universe; a member of a heavenly kingdom of perfection but trapped in an airport with a ticket but no boarding pass. And yet, here I am. Some days my heart rejoices, others my heart dissolves into never-ending tears for things that shouldn't be yet are.

I long for rest - true rest. Restoration of soul and vision. But they are  just outside of my reach. I can sometimes see them - I just can't reach them.

I forge ahead with each day's tasks; hoping I make a difference in something. I ask only that I can be found faithful in the small things set in my path. The small is enough.

Yet, my heart is restless; I know there is more than I am grasping and it leaves a gaping hole in my heart while I scurry around trying to determine how to shore up the landscape of my life. If nothing else, I am a picture of a life not yet completed, with many brush stokes to be yet painted on the canvas before I receive that boarding pass I so long for.

After all, aren't we all in search of our home?