Unexpected turns

Life is so unpredictable. What was true yesterday can change in the blink of an eye. It twirls the floor beneath us and sometimes we are left hanging on for dear life. Scary? Sometimes. But I'm beginning to really know that I am not the one in charge of my life; and that's a good thing.

Just as road maps - or GPSs - keep us on track toward a destination, so does God's Word keep us directed toward heaven - our eternal, ultimate home. Do I understand every step of the journey? Certainly not. But I rest assured knowing the path He has for me will far surpass anything I could execute.

I choose to follow Him, trusting that the hard and overwhelming days are preparing me for the future. The fact that He promises to always walk by my side makes the traveling sweet.

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 NASB

Snow

As I look outside my window into the dark I can't help but notice the blanket of white covering everything this morning. What seemed dark and bleak and wet and dreary yesterday has been changed into a scene of beauty. I wasn't expecting snow covered trees this morning and that has made it even more beautiful.

Christmas is like that. We live in a dark and lonely world, and though foreshadowed all through the scriptures, there comes a day when our hearts can awaken to a Savior who has come to cover our sins and make us clean and whole and white as snow. And He comes for us all - those who take him wholly and completely into their hearts and those who totally reject Him.

If you have not had the joy of Him and His gift of salvation, it is my prayer that you will seek Him this Christmas. He fills the lonely heart, loves unconditionally, promises eternal life and is intimately interested in our lives. There is nothing in this world that I, we, need more.

 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:10-11 (NASB)

Waiting through my winter

Waiting is such an interminable word. A Biblical word. A patient word. Just ask any small child counting down the days until their birthday or Christmas morning.

Even as adults, all of our lives are lived season by season - times to walk through, learning all we can so that we might best face the next season of our lives. But sometimes our current season is long and painful, sad, and on the surface, so very hopeless. And yet, it is these times that I believe the Lord is closest to our hearts. He knows our pain and sorrow, loneliness and lack of strength, but thankfully he knew no hopeless - He knew that salvation would come - just as He knows that the seasons of our lives will come and go and that which looks so bleak today could become tomorrow's joy.

My hope is in Him - that the winter season I walk in will someday soon turn to joy and light.

“Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me;
O Lord, be my helper.”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
 That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Psalm 30:10-12 NIV

Dark days and promises

I really can't imagine what it was like - those days when Jesus was in the tomb. He had foreshadowed the upcoming events to His closest and beloved believers, even spelled out the events in detail. But, oh, how their hearts must have ached when His presence was gone and these things came to pass. Though His followers knew, they had to be in shock that these things actually did take place. How could it be that He was gone? These must have been the longest, darkest three days of their lives.

Sometimes we feel like that, too. We often know, a foreshadowing of sorts, when difficult times are coming or are at hand. And though Christ promises He sees all, it is sometimes difficult to believe that He really does have our lives in the palm of His hand. Some days, today in particular, I find it incredulous that He has ALL things under control. I know His Word is true, but when I look around at the chaos and aftermath of relationships gone wrong and the daily difficulties of life, it is as if I'm living in those three days of darkness.

I know His promises. I believe He sees all. I believe He is working a magnificent plan in my life and those around me. I just don't have His understanding, His perspective, His life-changing power in my hands. But these are just details to Him. I will trust Him for these things as I wait for that third day - that glorious, promised, earth-shattering third day.

"What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole."

1 Peter 3-5 The Message

Sweet freedom

I feel a very secret chamber of my heart being unlocked. It is as if my Creator has said, "Come out - be free." Do I understand what this all means? Certainly not, but I have been hidden away for so long - too long - and I really don't even know who I am anymore. Jesus gives me the ability and the freedom and the wisdom to be all that He has created me to be. My thoughts matter, my heart condition is important to the Lover of my soul. And I am so grateful.

I am the daughter of the Most High God and King and that puts priestly blood in my veins. I was created for purpose, for His mission. I answer His call willingly, knowing fully that He has not forgotten me and He will restore all that has been stolen and will use it ALL for His good.

Yes, that chamber of my heart is being opened up and swept clean to make more room for Him. In that I rejoice. And, I will praise His name forever.

 “Am I not a God near at hand”
    “and not a God far off? 
“Can anyone hide out in a corner
    where I can’t see him?
“Am I not present everywhere,
    whether seen or unseen?”

Jeremiah 23:23-27 The Message (MSG)

 

Joy!

The last two years have about done me in - three surgeries, unemployment, family deaths, difficult relationships, my dad's recently diagnosed Alzheimer's and the resulting guardianship I've taken for him - need I say more?! In my tiredness and vulnerability, my heart had taken many arrows of the evil one and I actually began to believe the worst for my circumstances. Sadness and hopelessness had become strongholds in my heart. And, the last I checked (and thankfully God's Word NEVER changes!), sadness and hopelessness are NOT fruits of the Spirit of God. Something had to give.

Our God is faithful. Listening to an audio devotion on the way to work yesterday struck my heart deeply. The devotional was on contagious joy - how our joy will draw others to Him. And, isn't that our true profession on this earth - to be salt to a dying world? I listened to this five-minute devotional about five times in succession, making sure the message would sink in. And, it did. Enough with the pity party. My God sees that I have needs and I need to leave those in His hands. My only job is to reflect Christ's joy and love that others may know Him.

As I got out of my car, the Lord said to me, "Kathy, it is time to take off the mantle of sadness and put on a mantle of joy." His Word, so desperately needed, so timely. I had begun to believe that God had forgotten me. Thankfully, He reminded me that I will never be forgotten or cast aside from His presence.

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10b NIV

We all have a prison.

My heart has never felt such hopelessness. Walking out the door this morning I thought, "What is the use, the purpose of continuing?" But as I walked out the door, I did not walk out alone. My God walks with me, every step of every day. Though there is chaos all around, broken hearts and dreams and boulders in the middle of my road, He has not left me to navigate alone. My journey with Him does not depend on the conditions around me. He is refining me minute by minute. I just can't see what He is trying to form in me. Why do I think I need to see and understand?

And yet, my heart is so heavy and my eyes are full of tears. I cry out silently for relief and I see none ahead. But, I walk on. Is this my prison? I know that Paul and John and all those who suffered for the faith were strong in Him in the midst of hopeless, endless prisons. And yet, they rejoiced. How do I get to that place that my place doesn't matter, that nothing matters but the love of Christ and that I, too, can rejoice with my WHOLE heart?

Purge me of all within me that cries out for deliverance and change. Help me to walk each minute knowing my life is not about me. Help me to have eyes that see only You - to know within my core that my wants and desires are not necessarily Yours.

Today, Lord, I seek Your face alone. Help me to understand that it matters not how my days go, how my relationships lack, but only that You love me and choose to use me as Your vessel. Refine me, oh Lord, and please understand that though my feet falter, I will EVER follow You.

Everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose.
Philippians 1:21 The Message

What IS the color of guilt and shame?

If I had a big box of 64 Crayolas I would still be looking - trying to find just the shade that colors my life when I am full of guilt and shame. Lest you think, "Oh, no, what has Kathy done now?" I say to you that guilt and shame from seemingly innocuous acts can undo me as much as flagrant sin. But it all results in the same thing - a life colored by darkness and hiding.

I am learning that my God continuously forgives me - for yesterday, today and tomorrow. Oh, that I wish I could do the same. But at least He is showing me glimpses of myself - and a chance to live my life as it is. Forgiven. At much cost - the death of His Son - in order to set me free.

My guilt and shame can color my day for days. But thankfully, He graciously awakens me to His promises and His ways. I am forgiven and completely accepted in His sight. And that color is red, yellow, orange, green, blue, indigo and violet. Life! In spite of who I am or what I've done.

Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. Psalms 32:1-2

Forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation

A cursory look at the scriptures pretty quickly reveals that all have sinned and are in need of forgiveness. But somehow, in my crazy mind, I have forgiveness pictured in my mind as one person saying "I'm sorry" and the other immediately saying, "I forgive you." Only recently have my eyes been opened to the truth that forgiveness granted does not necessarily mean there is reconciliation.

Thankfully when we, as sinners, face our God and say, "I'm sorry for my sin," He without fail says, "You are forgiven," and the broken relationship is no more. Reconciliation and restoration.

But, oh, what a different story it is when one mortal says to another, "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you." Sometimes there is no tying up of loose ends, no hugs, no "It's okay, I forgive you," or no "I'm sorry." And what a conundrum that leaves. And yet, the Lord requires ALL of us to forgive.

I struggle with forgiveness daily and I've only scratched the surface of this truth. In one instance, I am only at the stage that I am beginning to be willing to forgive the one who has wounded my heart to its core. Thankfully I know that my God is at work in me to bring me to the place where I will be able to utter the words and manifest the actions of forgiveness with my whole heart. HE is faithful; I am not.

Forgiveness of a wrong sets me free, whether there is reconciliation or not. But that is enough.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25 NIV

Unfinished works

I am a professional list maker. I make lists for EVERYTHING. There is nothing better to me than checking off an item on my "to do" list. But, as a Christian, I'm learning that life is much more fluid than completing tasks.

The Word says that we are constantly being molded and changed into the likeness of Christ...no place there to check off the "Christ-like" box while on this earth...at least not until I have been completely and wholly transformed and brought into His throne room. But that doesn't give me license to sit down and wait; rather I must allow Him to work daily in my life making changes one by one in my heart, mind, soul and spirit - spurred on by His Word and His example.

I think that often my source of frustration in day-to-day living is that ALL is always in a state of flux - whether it is the laundry or dishes, my walk with Christ, my career, nurturing relationships with my husband, daughter, family and friends, or my journey to a healthy mind and body. Check boxes don't work there either. But does that mean I neglect all of these things because they will still be there tomorrow? I think not.

I guess perhaps I should switch to a graph and be thankful I am making progress, step by step - and baby steps at that. I must learn to be content and rest in the grace He so graciously gives to those who call Him "Abba Father." He knows everything about me, yet sees me as complete in Him. Should I not allow the same grace to myself, knowing that He has already made provision for all that is in my life - my sin, my calling, my needs, my wants and my desires.

I think, perhaps, I should try to migrate from list maker to progress maker. His grace changes me daily and every day I am no longer the same. Not perfect - but changed.

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. I John 3:2 NIV

Our lives are a masterpiece

We mark our days with plans and wishes – I must do this; I’d like to do this; I know I’ll never be able to do this. I don’t believe that our Heavenly Father finds fault in that, but I do think he must shake His head at us and sometimes even laugh. We plan and plan but with incomplete information – we are hardly ever (or at least not always) privy to that which lies before us. We do not know what will happen today, tonight or tomorrow. And yet we plan. And for what?

Scripture tells us that He takes care of and provides for even the smallest of birds, and then goes on to assure us we are more valuable than many sparrows. If He cares that much for the small, winged creation of His hands, surely we can know for certain that He will take care of us.

Some of our days are difficult and almost unbearable, but our God has already made provision for us before those days unfold. Can I explain why these days are so weighty or why our hearts cry out in anguish? Certainly not; but I do know that He knits and weaves these trials and tribulations into our days to draw us closer to Him, to purify us as His vessels that He may pour more of His love out onto an unsaved world.  He created us to be in relationship with Him and sometimes He has to really work hard to get and keep our attention.

Do I believe that our Heavenly Father causes pain and turmoil to keep us at bay?  Most certainly not. But we live in an imperfect world as the result of original and continuing sin and thankfully our God is able to work within the context of a sin-stained world and is yet able to draw us to Him, granting us the grace of forgiveness of sin and even providing for us ALL that we need.

Even as this day is passing I am boggled by a lack of understanding as to the way our lives unfold. But do I believe God is weaving these sometimes horrific chain of events into the tapestry of our lives for His good? Without question. I am assured by His Word that nothing that happens in our lives is for naught. And God, who chose to give up His own Son for us, will never forget that pain and understands ours and will provide for us the only comfort that can mend our hearts. Through our eyes we can only see the messy back of the tapestry of our lives but at the heavenly gates we will see the unbelievably beautiful masterpiece He has created. His plan. The only one that really matters.

So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Matthew 10:31 (NASB)

Treasure

Catching me quite by surprise this weekend, I found myself completely unnerved by a song on a music playlist I recently put together. Bruno Mars' Treasure came up and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face and my heart was laid bare. The song speaks of a man's love for a woman and his thoughts of beholding a beautiful  treasure in her; all the while knowing that she did not see that in herself.

The sobs breaking forth from my heart were simply my recognition that I have never seen myself as a treasure, instead, just the ordinary gray of life. I just couldn't imagine anything more. The song haunted me all evening and brought countless tears to my eyes even as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

I awakened the next morning still thinking about the song and the beliefs I held about myself. Knowing that I had to quit listening to this song or be committed, Annie and I left for church. I was looking for a fresh Word to soothe my heart and the Lord did not disappoint. While sitting in church, out of the pastor's mouth, I heard these words: Those in Christ hold all of  the treasures of God - nothing is withheld from those who know Him. When we were adopted into the kingdom family, which was done at His pleasure, we were no longer orphans but have all of His treasures at our hand.

Hardly gray, hardly ordinary. He not only sees me as treasure enough to bring me into His family, but he lays before me all that He has as my own. We truly have been purchased at great price. For this I am thankful.

 

Black holes

Each day when I awaken life seems darker and less easy to navigate. Black holes are lonely and they seem endless. But still, I awaken. Oh, if only I could sleep my life away until heaven.

But, I cannot.

I have a Redeemer who casts life and light where there is none. He is my hope. No more hoping in this or that. My hope is IN HIM.

He holds me, comforts me and knows my frame. In HIM I place my trust.

Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope for His lovingkindness. Psalms 33:18

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Lost hope does not define my future

Sometimes, especially when the road has been long and hard, we start believing that our struggles today are all that the future will ever hold for us. Our arms tremble and shake from the holding on, our legs are tired from the incessant uphill climb and our minds have been numbed by seemingly unanswered prayers and shattered dreams.

But there is One who has not forgotten His promise of a hope and future for His children, even when we have long ago lost the ability to see it. His work in us and for us will never be stagnant or complete until the day of His return. He who knew how to hang the moon and the stars in the sky and to create life out of nothingness is even at our lowest moment working and moving to create our future. And today, that will just have to suffice.

But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. Psalm 9:18

Angels

Recently standing in the Westerville bank that held all of my dad's assets, I was all at once overwhelmed and overwrought. I had just spent a harrowing three hours in the Franklin County Probate Court. As the newly-named guardian of his person and estate, I was now at the bank, with a raft of paperwork and permissions from the court, allowing me to withdraw his assets in order to set up a guardianship account to take care of his needs for the rest of his life on earth. I was in tears, standing, waiting to speak with an account specialist, and was about to turn my dad's life upside down.

How in the world did this happen - and happen so quickly? Dementia, Alzheimer's, robber of one's memories, had invaded my dad's life and the life of all of his children and those who love him. His memories had been fading for some time, but intense and gut-wrenching cranial pain and the subsequent neurosurgery kicked dementia into high gear. How is it that a dad who held me, made me laugh, taught me how to ride a bike and then drive a car, the man who cried all the way home from dropping his first born at Miami University decades ago - how is it that he sometimes forgets my name?

My emotions were piqued at these turn of events and the overwhelming responsibilities I was assuming that day. I felt helpless as I stood, waiting.

As I gripped the file folder of documents, a sweet and beautiful woman appeared at my left arm. She could see I was visibly upset and instantly engaged me in conversation. She spoke of a battle with cancer and how, if it were not for her faith in the Lord, she would have never made it through to be able to be standing there. I spoke - spilling out my reason for being there and how sad it made me. She immediately offered an encouraging word of faith and promised to be praying for me and all that needed to be done. I had known this woman for mere seconds and she hugged me so tight as if to say, "All will be okay - look to the Lord."

The banker I had been waiting to see called my name and in a split second I realized this woman did not have any papers, any documents, any checks, any evidence of bank business with her. As I entered the banker's office I looked back and she was gone - GONE. She had appeared to be waiting for a banker too, but as soon as I turned around, she was gone.

Do I believe in angels? Do I believe the Lord sends messengers to those in need? Of course I do. But believing and experiencing are two different concepts. That day I had moved from belief to experience and even now I am in awe of a God so concerned about my heart that he sent an angel all the way to earth to ease the strain of the day for me, just a girl trying to take care of her dad.

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them. Psalms 34:7 (NASB)

Home

Grandma and her great-grandson Joshua

at my mom's 70th birthday party

My grandmother is home now - safe and sound and peaceful - and my heart is relieved. Her 93-year run on this big, wide earth ended Monday evening with small soft breaths until there were no more. I can't imagine the joyful sounds she heard as she joined her savior and all of the family and friends that were her advance team. I would imagine that there were many tears of joy and endless hugs. I even think my funny friend Terry probably greeted her with a, "Where's the chocolate cake, grandma?" And my beloved grandfather, Po, undoubtedly would ask, "How are my Cubbies doing?"

Of course, we really don't know what to expect in the heavenly realm; we can only conject. But, one thing I know is that it will be glorious to look upon the face of Jesus when my day comes.

Today I am reminded of her many oft-told stories and I smile. She liked to talk about Annie's christening - with her bare little toes dancing under her beautiful white gown. She spoke of the time that Tim took her to the dentist while toting our 4-month old daughter while I was at work, he making sure Annie's sunglasses were on "just right." She also loved to recount growing up near Cumberland Falls and the subsequent family reunions there. Her recall of those reunions were often more memorable and wonderful than those of us who attended, but to each his own. She was happy to have her family around her. It meant EVERYTHING.

Grandma left us all a legacy of quilts, baby afghans and amazing cake recipes, but even more than that, her love. I will miss her terribly, but am so happy she is safely home.

"Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great!" Matthew 5:12

Look straight ahead

We are a questioning people. We want to know details, how plans are going to be worked out step-by-step and when. If I know one thing certainly, it is that God doesn't often give us the details; instead He says, follow me, let me lead you.

He gives us daily tools - faith, love, peace - to use while He completes His work in us. But in the meantime we are told to look straight ahead - fixing our eyes on He whom has created us. It's hard to look down or look around and try to figure out the ways our lives should play out if we have our eyes fixed on Him. And THAT is His plan for us. We are to fix our eyes on Him and He will take care of the rest. That is His promise to us.

Peter most definitely had his eyes on the Christ when he stepped out of that boat and walked on the water. The minute he paid attention to the waters and the situation around him he began to sink. He had taken his focus off of the Living God.

I pray that every day I become more and more able and willing to keep my eyes on Him. He is the God of the storms and life around me. Let me not be afraid but rather always looking to Him and trusting Him with the details, the pitfalls, the snares and the traps that He walks me through. He will not allow me to be consumed if I can but keep my eyes on Him.

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you."
Proverbs 4:25 NIV

Stones

In olden days and in primitive living, stones could bring death to an accused. Stone - like all else in this world - was a part of the creation story. And though creation brings life, stones can bring death. Was that God's intent? I think not.

Jesus told Peter that He would build His church upon a Rock - THE Rock. Stone - again - in a big way intended to be a firm foundation. A good thing.

The world is full of things and experiences meant to help us, to bless us, to change us. Yet we often turn those things and experiences away from their original intent resulting in some sort of death.

This morning as I left for work I felt a huge wedge of stone trying to plant itself in my heart - to block the turmoil and the pain, to cut me off from those around me. But in so blocking the uncomfortable, I know it would bring death to my spirit, death to the possibilities that God has for me through the turmoil and pain. I cannot allow that stone to be planted in my heart. It is my choice to allow my heart to be laid bare and experience those uncomfortable feelings and pressing concerns rather than bury them under a stone.

Without that stone covering my heart, I am vulnerable. But without that stone, I am allowed to see God at work in my life.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you, I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
Ezekiel 36:26 NIV

My heart goes on

Today has been a tough day, following a tough week, a tough month, a tough year, a tough two years. My heart wonders when the pendulum will swing back and restore balance to my family, to my life, to me - and lighten the load and restore my strength.

I wrestle with so many fears and disappointments and some days my angst-ridden heart just sinks; today is most certainly one of those days. But even when it does, I hear that still, small voice that whispers, "Kathy, I love you." How can it be that He whom knows my heart most hasn't given up on me and my family? He calls my name, calls me to Himself to comfort me, to gift me with His grace.

And yet I confess that there is still a cavernous hole within my heart. Sometimes I hide - in books, in movies, in busyness, in sleep. But still I wrestle with questions - when will deliverance come - or will it ever come? I know His presence, I know His grace. What I don't know, or don't understand, is this desert. And who am I to ask my heavenly father why.

But, I am tired, I am cast down. I read the scriptures that say, "You who are cast down, hope in the Lord." Sometimes I can; today I cannot. But, I will keep walking, I will cast my cares upon Him. I will trust Him for all that I need. He knows my frame - He counts my days. He has a plan. Isn't that really all I need to know?

Today has been a good day

Today was a day that has been on my radar screen for weeks, even months, wreaking havoc and fear in my heart and in my mind. Though I had prayed and prayed for this day, I was so fearful. Today was moving day for my dad, after six months of back and forth hospital stays and extended time in two different skilled nursing facilities. But, we didn't get to move him back to his home in Westerville; his ability to care for himself is now limited after 80 years of living, six months of complications from trigeminal neuralgia and a rapid decline in his memory. I was certain it would be a day of great weeping and gnashing of teeth for him.

But, I was wrong - so wonderfully, completely wrong. Debi, Sue and I explained to him this morning that it was time to move on to the next step in his recovery and he was so accepting and willing to trust us. We packed up his clothes and all that he had in his room and took him to his new home and as we walked in the door of the building he remarked, "Look, how beautiful."

It didn't take long to see his excitement when we handed him a key to his new home. A place of his own. And when he opened the door - he saw the familiar - his favorite chair and ottoman, his pictures on the wall, his comforter on his big bed, his stereo and country music CDs and his very favorite Folger's coffee sitting on the kitchen counter. He was delighted and comforted by his familiar things. My sisters Debi and Sue had worked so hard to get his new home ready and they did an amazing job. Dad was thrilled and finally at home.

It's been a long six months - many times we thought we were losing him. But, we didn't. And now he is safe and free to enjoy his time around others that enjoy the same things he does. How wonderful that they had live music this afternoon - songs he knew and could reminisce about. My dad is not normally a social person but today he was talking to everyone, tapping his feet to the music, exploring the halls of his new home and rocking in the big white chairs on the front porch with many of his new neighbors. He joined his new neighbors in the dining room for dinner, ordered from the menu and didn't even have to leave a tip. Now, THAT's living!

Dad is home and my heart is at peace. It has been a good day.

This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. 1 John 5:14

Trust

I liken my life to the fog that surrounded me this morning. I see things happening in my life and the lives of my loved ones, decisions needing to be made, but as yet I cannot distinguish the reality of all these coming changes. I know they are out there, I know they need attended to. But, until they are closer and easier to see, I must wait. Decision making without clarity of vision is useless and dangerous.

Perhaps God is trying to tell me to slow down, don't worry; when it's time to move and make decisions, the vision will be crisp and clear. Just as one would slow down while driving through fog, I, too, must slow down - wait until I am comfortable with the view before making life-changing decisions.

Trust is so much easier to say than do. But my God can be trusted with my life. He does what He says; He never fails. I'm sure the disciples saw fog when Christ was put to death. But we know that the story did not end there. Christ arose from the dead, just as He promised. The fog was lifted on that day and every day hence. I choose to trust Him to get me beyond the fog.

Crossroads

Life is intersecting at so many points as I write this entry. I'm mid-therapy to rehab my shoulder and bicep from a fall on the ice and the subsequent rotator cuff surgery; my dad has been in and out of the hospital and in a skilled nursing facility since December, but hopefully is about to be headed to assisted living; my husband is looking for his next career opportunity; my daughter is graduating from high school in 18 days and then in July she will be installed as the presiding officer of the International Order of Rainbow for Girls in Ohio while attending Ohio State on a part-time basis allowing her time to give Rainbow Girls her all. Once Annie has completed her year as Rainbow's Grand Worthy Advisor, she likely will be off to start her four-year college adventure at Bowling Green State University to study fashion merchandising.

STRESS. It is in every one of my bones and and in every beat of my heart. I feel like a bouncing rubber ball trying to keep up with all of the above while still paying attention to my own career as an association executive and my responsibilities and commitments as a wife. And, then, of course, I'm still trying to juggle the demands of being an in-touch mother of an 18-year-old girl (scheduling shopping trips and mani-pedis for some girl time!), spending quality time with my husband, daily visits with dad, walking my sweet dog Maizy and visits with my 93-year-old grandmother who can't understand why she is still on this earth. And, I long for the day (September is coming!) when I can get back in the gym and work off some of this stress and get my body healthy again.

Life is hard, people. But, this IS life. What folks do with all of their struggles, cares and concerns is overwhelming, but thankfully there is someone who cares about all of the uncertainty in our lives. Were it not for prayer and the promise that Christ cares for us even more than we can imagine, I would feel completely hopeless. With apologies to Lennon and McCartney, the long and winding road can suck the life right out of us unless we keep our eyes on He who loves us most. We must learn to keep our eyes on Him, not the road.

Plans don't need to change the world to be successful

It's amazing what good sleep, a few minutes in the Word and a plan for the day can do for one's outlook. I'm having a really good day today. Have I crossed off everything on my "to do" list? Certainly not, but I'm making progress with a few things.

There is nothing terribly exciting going on - I was able to run an errand on the way to the hospital to visit my dad. I was even able to encourage him to eat more than a few bites of his lunch. He's inching his way back to a second hospital discharge to a rehab facility to work on getting stronger. It's so hard to see him sad and not feeling well. But his family visits him often, although he sometimes doesn't remember we've been there. And, the excruciating cranial pain that was driving him to the brink of crazy has been cured through the gift of neuro surgery. I'm so glad that our God gave such intelligence, talent and bravery for doctors to do what they do.

Then it was off to the office to try to play catch-up. Planning and executing two major meetings in three weeks is no fun and with all that's been on my mind I'm so afraid I'm not paying attention to details the way I usually do. I usually like to finish a major project before I start another and it's just not working out that way this time. And now, I'm also trying to work ahead a bit to make way for my March 15 rotator cuff surgery. I'm thankful for my surgeon's skills as well. I'm looking forward to being able to use my right arm without throbbing pain by the time Miss Annie's high school graduation rolls around. After my great fall on the ice a few weeks ago, I feel a bit like Humpty Dumpty - just waiting to be put back together.

I'm just about finishing up at the office and thought I'd jot down a few words - then I'll be headed home to my family, my pup and a wonderful pot of jambalaya that I put together this morning. Yup - I had a plan...and it was good.

Dogged by doughnuts

If Nancy Reagan were here, I'm sure she would say, "Just say no to that doughnut!"

I mean, really, it's just a piece of fried dough. In John Steinbeck's book, The Grapes of Wrath, when the Joad family was starving, they fried flour in lard just to subsist. As I read those references to fried dough as a meal I was appalled. And sickened.

But, there I was, looking at that fried piece of flour and I was contemplating it just the same. One of my sisters had left a Tim Horton's chocolate glazed doughnut in a cute little bag in my dad's hospital room yesterday and it was all I could think about after a particularly grueling day that started with a 7 a.m. pre-admission testing appointment for rotator cuff surgery that I do not want, followed by a long day at work without a break, a doctor's appointment for Annie that was a bit frustrating because of the doctor, then a less-than-uplifting visit with my dad at the hospital that he did not want to be in.

It is 370 steps from the parking garage to my dad's hospital room - I know - I counted them - every single one of them. And every day I twice pass Tim Horton's in the hospital lobby. I have eaten more doughnuts in the last month than I have eaten in 10 years. These hospital visits are tiring, frustrating, long-lasting and I know that when I get home I will face a Christmas tree that is still up and decorated, mounds of laundry to do and dinner to prepare for my family. So, of late, I've looked at these little doughnuts as a treat.

But who am I kidding - they are not a treat for me, they don't make me feel good despite their sweetness and they make those 370 steps (one way) an even longer, heavier walk. And yet, why did the presence of that little fried piece of dough cause my mind to go haywire? Because it was temptation, my friends. All of a sudden I felt that I might just know how Eve felt in the Garden of Eden. It looked good, why shouldn't I eat it?

Was that one doughnut going to kill me? Well, not instantly. But with each bite of the fried flour before last night, I felt my self esteem wane, my hopes for a healthy lifestyle became again unreachable and the self-flogging for my unhealthy eating began again.

As I left the hospital last night, I took that cute little doughnut bag, with every intention to eat its contents on the way home. But, in a surprise move, I instead  tossed that nasty little life stealer right into the trash just as I passed Tim Horton's on the way to the parking garage. Take that, you tempting Canadian fast-food tease.

Somehow this small decision has been a motivator for me. I CAN say no to the fried dough. And it didn't make me sad one bit. I even smiled on the way home. And kept my hand out of the cookie jar all night.