And so it goes...

I never expected to be here; I never thought that it would take so long to dissolve a family. But here I am - in the exact place I was nearly a year ago. No resolution to the sale of our former home, no legal changes to tie up loose ends. And no sign or hope of any resolution to any of this ever. I feel tied up and gagged, my wishes dismissed as always.

Never a big tv watcher, I would never have imagined that it has become the sound in my empty apartment. It doesn't demand anything - meals, laundry, clean sheets - but it doesn't offer anything either, other than noise, an inanimate "unfriendly friend."

This is not how I wish to live the remainder of my life, but in this case I have no choices. Only disappointments and sorrows.

My one wish today is to have my dog back with me but due to the fraying of the old carpeting and my pup's propensity to pull the frays and eat them, this too is not possible. She must live elsewhere.

I hug a rolled-up towel for comfort at night in my too quiet apartment and wait for another day - another hope for hope.

I love, no hate, my iPhone

Cell phones are like a demanding, one-way relationship - they waste your time, offer you nothing in return and make one resentful of time spent with them. Sure, they're great when you're looking for an address, need to get in touch with someone pronto,  or you want to order a pizza. But, for the most part, I'm beginning to see it as such a time waster and despise the fact that it is ALWAYS in my hand. I think it may even be a source of depression.

But still, I diligently charge it nightly, stare at it constantly and even bought a battery case so my charge would never be lost. But I ask myself why. Every time I am sucked into a mindless game - and yes, I am talking Candy Crush and Ruzzle - I am so disappointed in myself. What happened to the Kathy who called and visited with her friends, read books, kept her house presentable, did crafty little projects and cooked dinner on a regular basis. Well, THAT Kathy has long ago fled. And I really do think my unhealthy attachment to this damnable smart phone is the reason.

Just to set the record straight, I take full ownership of my failing. It is not Apple's fault that they have learned to make themselves indispensable. Clearly I have no self-control. Yet, once again, I resolve to bring order and discipline back into my life.  I have deleted every game (AGAIN!) and have vowed to at least try more often to call or visit my friends and family rather than text (I'm already seeing a major fail here).

I'll let you know how that goes - you can just catch my status updates.

Looking forward

My life has changed drastically in the last seven months and yet I must grapple daily with the fact that my name is still Kathy, I am a follower and chosen of the Most High God and I am still the mother of one and daughter of another. Yet, the scenery has changed. Nothing really is a given anymore - my address, my church, my credit rating, my planning what I will cook for dinner for a family of three. Looking from the outside in - little in my life looks the same.

My furniture is in a strange place; my stove burns everything I attempt to cook, my bed is uncomfortable, my dog doesn't have a backyard in which to terrorize the rabbits and birds and there is no front porch on which to sip an iced tea or glass of wine with a book in my hand. I stay late in the office on nights when Annie is working and I now dread Fridays (which used to be one of my favorite days of the week)  - wondering how I will spend the next two days. It is quite evident that I don't spend a bit of that time cleaning up or organizing my life the way I used to. I am living in the very chaos that I rebelled against daily for years.

Life changes are hard - especially when it's change that you have fought and prayed and struggled against for a very long time. Clearly I am not the one in charge of my life.

But, I am really the same person, just in a different set of circumstances. Sadness creeps in daily and at the most ill-timed and unexpected moments. I keep thinking things will get better and then one drive through my old neighborhood to return a library book uncorks a well of tears that lasts for an entire day. There are no do-overs here.

When will the tide turn - or when will I adjust to the new terms of my life? What a good question. But I have no answers. I know only that I commit my every day to the only lover of my soul who is true and faithful. He says there is a plan for me. Until then, I try to know Him better and look forward to happier days.

Restless heart

The best way to describe my life these days is that my insides are continuously squishy. I am so often unsure of myself; I wonder how to keep getting up every morning, never really knowing where the day will take me.

I am a foreigner in a strange land. A citizen of another universe; a member of a heavenly kingdom of perfection but trapped in an airport with a ticket but no boarding pass. And yet, here I am. Some days my heart rejoices, others my heart dissolves into never-ending tears for things that shouldn't be yet are.

I long for rest - true rest. Restoration of soul and vision. But they are  just outside of my reach. I can sometimes see them - I just can't reach them.

I forge ahead with each day's tasks; hoping I make a difference in something. I ask only that I can be found faithful in the small things set in my path. The small is enough.

Yet, my heart is restless; I know there is more than I am grasping and it leaves a gaping hole in my heart while I scurry around trying to determine how to shore up the landscape of my life. If nothing else, I am a picture of a life not yet completed, with many brush stokes to be yet painted on the canvas before I receive that boarding pass I so long for.

After all, aren't we all in search of our home?

Stretch

I came to a disturbing conclusion this past weekend. I could be characterized as a hermit crab (the crab part for sure!) for so many different reasons. Allow me to explain.

When my brother was young he owned hermit crabs from time to time; but I could never understand why he wanted them. They couldn't talk to you, sit next to you, take a walk with you and I just found them strange. Their aquariums had to be cleaned, they had a musty smell and would pinch your fingers if you came too close. Not much value for a pet or a friend in my book..

A hermit crab moves about very tentatively, instinctively diving back into its shell for cover whenever it is approached, returning to a false sense of safety. Silly little beings - once they are in their shells thinking they are safe, it is easy for someone to pick them up and put them wherever. Not much safety for them in that.

This weekend I realized my home has become my shell. For the past few months when approached by my friends with the best of intentions, I have been hiding in my shell, choosing to refuse invitations to get together or do something fun. It is a real stretch to allow myself to leave the house. I have been turned topsy-turvy by life of late and I run back into my shell constantly slamming the door shut on the possibility of an enjoyable afternoon or evening shared with friends.

This shell of mine is dark and lonely, makes me sad and cuts me off from those I love, but I am so afraid to experience what life might have for me right now, so afraid that more hurt may come. But hiding in my house doesn't offer much hope for a life well-lived. So this past weekend, just once, I changed my mind about an invitation I automatically dismissed. I chose to call my friend back and ask if the opportunity to get together was still a possibility - and, of course, it was. We spent the evening together, laughing, talking and enjoying each other's company while watching a ridiculously funny movie.

Even and especially in hard times, God calls us to community - even when it appears scary.

“As I sink in despair, my spirit ebbing away,

    you know how I’m feeling,
Know the danger I’m in,
    the traps hidden in my path.
Look right, look left—
    there’s not a soul who cares what happens!
I’m up against it, with no exit—
    bereft, left alone.
I cry out, God, call out:
    ‘You’re my last chance, my only hope for life!’
Oh listen, please listen;
    I’ve never been this low.
Rescue me from those who are hunting me down;
    I’m no match for them.
Get me out of this dungeon
    so I can thank you in public.
Your people will form a circle around me
    and you’ll bring me showers of blessing!”
Psalm 142:3-7 (The Message)

Dirty cars and clean hearts

On my way to the office today I took my car to my favorite super-duper car wash this morning. The salt and crud were crusted on every surface - inside and out. I watched mesmerized as it was pulled through the corridor of clean and showers of water and soap spilled upon the moving metal. Days of road toil just rolled off as the water pounded every surface, making it shiny and new again. But that wasn't enough to make it clean; it took the meticulous work of one with a powerful vacuum and clean cloth after clean cloth to clean up the gravel, dirt and salt on the inside. He wiped every surface countless times to remove the remnants of the many snow and ice storms in our recent past. He reached into places that I can't even reach and made them clean. What a transformation. That fine man certainly earned his tip today.

But, as I pulled out of the lot, the snow began again. No doubt within a week I will be back here for more cleaning.

Is this not just like our lives? The priceless gift of salvation washes away the grime of our sin and assures us that we are His, but that is not enough. Christ then, like the meticulous car wash worker, begins cleaning up the inside of us - our damaged, broken and sin-stained hearts. He knows where to find the blackness in the crevices of our hearts and works meticulously to point them out to us so that we can be clean and holy for Him. Sin runs deep. Though forgiven, it can still bear fruit that damages us, those we love and those we don't even know. Christ is gracious enough to not let us be clean only on the outside if we will but listen to Him and allow Him to make us into His holy vessels.

It takes a lifetime, but each stain, each sin, that is cleared from our hearts makes more room for Him. It  allows more of Him in us to spill out on a world that so desperately needs Him.

A quiet and gentle spirit

Some days, actually a lot lately, are filled with turmoil. Turmoil in the daily news, turmoil at work, turmoil in our personal lives. But I am learning that in these days and times, the Lord is gently calling me to be still and quiet and see and acknowledge his presence.

He is ALWAYS with me. He whispers my name and nudges me to His peace. In times of turmoil our weaknesses and flaws are exposed to Him, to me, to those around me and to the world. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. But these imperfections are what draw us to Him. These imperfections and how we handle them can bring light and hope to an ailing world, if we but let His light shine through us.

Oh Lord, let your peace in me draw others to your never-ending love.

“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:13-16 (The Message)

Our struggle is against the darkness

Our struggles are not against flesh and blood on this earth - but rather between principalities and rulers of darkness. I have seen this to be so evident today.

The saga continues with my dad. I spent an hour and a half in court today, answering the same questions that have been asked countless times since I was appointed guardian last July. I was accused of being financially irresponsible with his money and suggested that I should have found a much cheaper facility if I really cared about my dad and his future. Is there an assisted living Big Lots^®?

The guardian ad litem (GAL) even told the magistrate that he saw no reason why my dad couldn't just move home. After all, the GAL "knows" Alzheimer's and my dad certainly doesn't exhibit the signs of same.  I'm so happy that being an attorney now grants one the authority to make a medical diagnosis. Two degrees for one. I'll bet this would surprise even the most forward thinking law schools in this country.

Want to hear something really funny?  The probate court already said I can sell all of my dad's possessions. Just not his house. Guess he could go home and sleep on the floor if the court decides I can't sell his house.

And again, we wait. No ruling from the bench, as expected. We must wait for a written determination. And it wouldn't surprise me in the least if the GAL doesn't make a sixth visit to my dad to get him all worked up again. I am certain beyond certain that the GAL gets a check with every visit he makes to upset my dad.

And once again this morning, dad told me not to visit and not to call, because he is so angry with me. But, we all know, he is really not angry with me - he is angry about getting old - about losing abilities - about losing all he knows and all he has. And that, my dear friends, is what breaks my heart most.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Ephesians 6:11-13 (NASB)

We see in a mirror dimly

My heart is breaking for my dad today. Although I have been appointed guardian of his person and estate we are yet in the midst of court hearings and visits by a court-appointed guardian-ad-litem informing him of his "rights." There have been four visits since Thanksgiving that have sent him into a spiral of depression, anger and the feeling of being trapped in a situation by his body and the ravages of Alzheimer's. At Christmas he was so angry at me that he didn't want to see me.

My siblings and I are doing our best to take care of him, provide for his needs and comforts. And these court-appointed visits are making it so very difficult to make him understand we have his best interests at heart. Dad is tired of going to court hearings and doctors and yet he was told again today that he must go yet again this next week to protect his assets. Aren't we doing that - aren't we protecting him? Didn't the court already decide that when they appointed me guardian after reviewing the medical evidence provided by a team of neurologists?

Clearly I don't fully understand the process. And, I'm sure there are those out there in this world who would be trying to "get all they can" from their elderly parents. But for those of us who love and care for those who loved and cared for us, we are constantly under a microscope.

I'm hoping this process all ends soon so that we can guarantee and provide for his safe care in his beautiful assisted living home with excellent staff without the fear that yet one more attorney will visit and tell him he needs to go to court to protect himself, destroying all peace that we have worked so hard to provide for him.

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
I Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)

Shimmering Stars

The nights are long these days and tonight the sky is clear and dark and, oh, so cold. As I look above my head I see hundreds of pin pricks of light, breaking up the black in random ways as well as in constellation. Those pin pricks of light shimmer in the night sky as if they were glitter thrown into the air - a heavenly confetti. If truth be told, these shimmering stars are really raging, infernos of fire, splitting the darkness in a miraculous way. Our perception of these points of light really doesn't reflect what they are.

When I consider the recent Christmas season and I think of the Bethlehem star that guided the wise men seeking the Christ Child, my heart races. I cannot imagine such a star, such a light that caused wise men to wonder. That light drew these men to walk for months in search of the promised Hope of the world. How bright that light must have been; how magnificent it must have been to behold.

Just as the wise men, I, too, am in constant search of that heavenly light. And every day it invades my life and makes the dark places light and brings hope and companionship to my days. But even more than that, His light sets me free, delivers me from sin and brings life to my life. Sometimes it seems as only a mere pin prick of light, but in reality it is a glorious, radiant and healing light marking my path and my days.

Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life."
John 8:12