I love, no hate, my iPhone

Cell phones are like a demanding, one-way relationship - they waste your time, offer you nothing in return and make one resentful of time spent with them. Sure, they're great when you're looking for an address, need to get in touch with someone pronto,  or you want to order a pizza. But, for the most part, I'm beginning to see it as such a time waster and despise the fact that it is ALWAYS in my hand. I think it may even be a source of depression.

But still, I diligently charge it nightly, stare at it constantly and even bought a battery case so my charge would never be lost. But I ask myself why. Every time I am sucked into a mindless game - and yes, I am talking Candy Crush and Ruzzle - I am so disappointed in myself. What happened to the Kathy who called and visited with her friends, read books, kept her house presentable, did crafty little projects and cooked dinner on a regular basis. Well, THAT Kathy has long ago fled. And I really do think my unhealthy attachment to this damnable smart phone is the reason.

Just to set the record straight, I take full ownership of my failing. It is not Apple's fault that they have learned to make themselves indispensable. Clearly I have no self-control. Yet, once again, I resolve to bring order and discipline back into my life.  I have deleted every game (AGAIN!) and have vowed to at least try more often to call or visit my friends and family rather than text (I'm already seeing a major fail here).

I'll let you know how that goes - you can just catch my status updates.

Looking forward

My life has changed drastically in the last seven months and yet I must grapple daily with the fact that my name is still Kathy, I am a follower and chosen of the Most High God and I am still the mother of one and daughter of another. Yet, the scenery has changed. Nothing really is a given anymore - my address, my church, my credit rating, my planning what I will cook for dinner for a family of three. Looking from the outside in - little in my life looks the same.

My furniture is in a strange place; my stove burns everything I attempt to cook, my bed is uncomfortable, my dog doesn't have a backyard in which to terrorize the rabbits and birds and there is no front porch on which to sip an iced tea or glass of wine with a book in my hand. I stay late in the office on nights when Annie is working and I now dread Fridays (which used to be one of my favorite days of the week)  - wondering how I will spend the next two days. It is quite evident that I don't spend a bit of that time cleaning up or organizing my life the way I used to. I am living in the very chaos that I rebelled against daily for years.

Life changes are hard - especially when it's change that you have fought and prayed and struggled against for a very long time. Clearly I am not the one in charge of my life.

But, I am really the same person, just in a different set of circumstances. Sadness creeps in daily and at the most ill-timed and unexpected moments. I keep thinking things will get better and then one drive through my old neighborhood to return a library book uncorks a well of tears that lasts for an entire day. There are no do-overs here.

When will the tide turn - or when will I adjust to the new terms of my life? What a good question. But I have no answers. I know only that I commit my every day to the only lover of my soul who is true and faithful. He says there is a plan for me. Until then, I try to know Him better and look forward to happier days.