Joy!

The last two years have about done me in - three surgeries, unemployment, family deaths, difficult relationships, my dad's recently diagnosed Alzheimer's and the resulting guardianship I've taken for him - need I say more?! In my tiredness and vulnerability, my heart had taken many arrows of the evil one and I actually began to believe the worst for my circumstances. Sadness and hopelessness had become strongholds in my heart. And, the last I checked (and thankfully God's Word NEVER changes!), sadness and hopelessness are NOT fruits of the Spirit of God. Something had to give.

Our God is faithful. Listening to an audio devotion on the way to work yesterday struck my heart deeply. The devotional was on contagious joy - how our joy will draw others to Him. And, isn't that our true profession on this earth - to be salt to a dying world? I listened to this five-minute devotional about five times in succession, making sure the message would sink in. And, it did. Enough with the pity party. My God sees that I have needs and I need to leave those in His hands. My only job is to reflect Christ's joy and love that others may know Him.

As I got out of my car, the Lord said to me, "Kathy, it is time to take off the mantle of sadness and put on a mantle of joy." His Word, so desperately needed, so timely. I had begun to believe that God had forgotten me. Thankfully, He reminded me that I will never be forgotten or cast aside from His presence.

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10b NIV

We all have a prison.

My heart has never felt such hopelessness. Walking out the door this morning I thought, "What is the use, the purpose of continuing?" But as I walked out the door, I did not walk out alone. My God walks with me, every step of every day. Though there is chaos all around, broken hearts and dreams and boulders in the middle of my road, He has not left me to navigate alone. My journey with Him does not depend on the conditions around me. He is refining me minute by minute. I just can't see what He is trying to form in me. Why do I think I need to see and understand?

And yet, my heart is so heavy and my eyes are full of tears. I cry out silently for relief and I see none ahead. But, I walk on. Is this my prison? I know that Paul and John and all those who suffered for the faith were strong in Him in the midst of hopeless, endless prisons. And yet, they rejoiced. How do I get to that place that my place doesn't matter, that nothing matters but the love of Christ and that I, too, can rejoice with my WHOLE heart?

Purge me of all within me that cries out for deliverance and change. Help me to walk each minute knowing my life is not about me. Help me to have eyes that see only You - to know within my core that my wants and desires are not necessarily Yours.

Today, Lord, I seek Your face alone. Help me to understand that it matters not how my days go, how my relationships lack, but only that You love me and choose to use me as Your vessel. Refine me, oh Lord, and please understand that though my feet falter, I will EVER follow You.

Everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose.
Philippians 1:21 The Message

What IS the color of guilt and shame?

If I had a big box of 64 Crayolas I would still be looking - trying to find just the shade that colors my life when I am full of guilt and shame. Lest you think, "Oh, no, what has Kathy done now?" I say to you that guilt and shame from seemingly innocuous acts can undo me as much as flagrant sin. But it all results in the same thing - a life colored by darkness and hiding.

I am learning that my God continuously forgives me - for yesterday, today and tomorrow. Oh, that I wish I could do the same. But at least He is showing me glimpses of myself - and a chance to live my life as it is. Forgiven. At much cost - the death of His Son - in order to set me free.

My guilt and shame can color my day for days. But thankfully, He graciously awakens me to His promises and His ways. I am forgiven and completely accepted in His sight. And that color is red, yellow, orange, green, blue, indigo and violet. Life! In spite of who I am or what I've done.

Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. Psalms 32:1-2

Forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation

A cursory look at the scriptures pretty quickly reveals that all have sinned and are in need of forgiveness. But somehow, in my crazy mind, I have forgiveness pictured in my mind as one person saying "I'm sorry" and the other immediately saying, "I forgive you." Only recently have my eyes been opened to the truth that forgiveness granted does not necessarily mean there is reconciliation.

Thankfully when we, as sinners, face our God and say, "I'm sorry for my sin," He without fail says, "You are forgiven," and the broken relationship is no more. Reconciliation and restoration.

But, oh, what a different story it is when one mortal says to another, "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you." Sometimes there is no tying up of loose ends, no hugs, no "It's okay, I forgive you," or no "I'm sorry." And what a conundrum that leaves. And yet, the Lord requires ALL of us to forgive.

I struggle with forgiveness daily and I've only scratched the surface of this truth. In one instance, I am only at the stage that I am beginning to be willing to forgive the one who has wounded my heart to its core. Thankfully I know that my God is at work in me to bring me to the place where I will be able to utter the words and manifest the actions of forgiveness with my whole heart. HE is faithful; I am not.

Forgiveness of a wrong sets me free, whether there is reconciliation or not. But that is enough.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25 NIV